A world of hurt

I have caused much hurt to those around me. I can't seem to let go of little things, things that to me are this gigantic deal, but in reality they aren't much of anything. These last few weeks have been hell for me I have been really emotional and feeling horrible about myself and in turn my relationship has gone to hell quicker than I ever thought it could. And it is all my fault. I wish I could just be normal and not have all this baggage. I wish that I didn't have the doubts about people that I do. I wish that I could just trust others and be open about how I feel. I want to say something, but I can't. I am at a loss for words when it comes down to it.
I am SO angry at him and what he took away from me. I am the person I am today because of what he did to me. He took away my innocence, he took my trust, he took my confidence, he took it all. I am trying to do the best I can with what I have left and it is shit. I ruin all the good things in my life, I let possibilities fly by wihtout a second glance. I wonder how my life would have turned out had all of that not happenend. Certain things in my life I would not want to take back, but other things, I just have to wonder what I lost out on. Would I have been successful, prettier, smarter, less fearful, more reliable? Where would I be now? I wonder what it is like to live without the burden of knowing that someone you trusted and loved violated you in the worst possible way. What is like to live without the shame and guilt and the worry for my own child; God help me if something happens to her. What would have happened if I would have had someone in my life to report the abuse to; someone I could trust, my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle...ANYONE!
Coming back to not being able to let go...why can't I let go of the fact that all that is in the past? I think a big part of that reason is because I am the person I am today because of my childhood and I am not happy with who I turned out to be.