Time

Time is really all we have.
Without time we cannot love,
Without time we cannot experience,
Without time we cannot cherish,
Without time we cannot forgive,
Take the time to love genuinely without restraint,
Take the time to embrace loved ones,
Take the time to relish in the magic of life,
Take the time to let go and give your all.
When time is up and you have not a minute left,
Know you spent every second of life, making it your best.

Choices

Little by little I am moving towards my ultimate goal of being true to myself. This includes treating my body and soul with the respect I deserve, listening to cues from within to make decisions, dealing with the pain and anguish that years of sexual abuse caused me, and living my life in a way that satisfies me, rather than making me want something different than what I have.
Everyone struggles at some point in their life. For someone like me who has not only struggled, but at times could barely hold on, I have learned it is not what happened that brings us down, but how we choose to react to what has happened. We DO have choices. We can choose to react or take action. We can choose to live or we can choose to die. We can choose to be miserable or we can choose happiness. It is unfortunate that so many do not realize this. I have been guilty of this for as long as I can remember. I believed that my life was the way it was because of what I had been through in my childhood. I have lived my life reacting; in a negative way, to my childhood experiences. I do not blame myself, I was too young, it is not my fault that he made the choices he did. I cannot live a life of regret for the actions I did not take, I cannot be regretful that I did not try to stop the abuse, I cannot keep thinking about what I could done. I can only choose to take initiative now. I am choosing to live, I am choosing to take action, I am choosing to not let him and what he did to me rule my life anymore. I am choosing me.

Sometimes I wonder...

What is the true purpose of my life? To be a good mother? a friend? a wife? Should I continue my pursuit of nursing? I feel as though I have yet to figure this out and I wonder if I ever will. I feel like there are so many road blocks trying to steer me in a different direction. My therapist said that she thinks it is Karma paying me back for all the bad I have done in my life....funny how that works. And here I thought I was a decent person. Apparently even those little indiscretions come back in bit you in the ass sooner or later.
I try so hard to stay positive and upbeat despite my situation, I know that is the only way, but it is so hard to not get down. Especially not knowing how the bills will get paid or how we will buy groceries. You would think that after suffering like this so many times I would have learned my lesson, but I have not. I keep putting myself in the same situation and expect different results, crazy?!? This goes back to my lack of guidance when I was younger, and unlike my sister, I still haven't figured out how to be an adult. I just don't get why I can't connect the pieces of responsibility and get my shit together?? I do not understand why it doesn't "click" for me.