I can't win

I am so miserable with myself anymore that I am making those around me not want to be around me. Granted I do think that I have valid concerns and reasons for being upset, but it is the way I approach things. I just jump when I am all worked up without taking a minute to process and I end up coming off mean when I am usually just hurt. I think alot of this goes back to how I have no idea how to process things and handle situations that make me uncomfortable. I either lash out or just keep it tucked inside where I don't have to deal with it. It doesn't help that when I DO try to put my feelings out there, they are invalidated. I am told, it's not like that, which is basically saying, "No, you don't feel that way". So why would I want to talk when what I have to say isn't taken to heart. I am so tired of being me sometimes. I look at other people and wonder about their lives and their struggles, if they have any. Do they go through the ups and downs that I do? How do they deal with it? What works for them? I get so frustrated with myself that I can't just listen to my body and my heart and do what is best for me. I ignore that part of me way too much. So much that I have allowed myself to get so down again. I just want to be happy and I know that I am the only one I can rely on for that, and unfortunately I am not very reliable in that department.

My struggle within

I have really been struggling with many things lately, mainly my weight, my anger towards myself because of my weight, and discouragement because I am not losing any weight. The three of those combined along with other thoughts I have towards myself are forming a massive torando that will soon wreak havok on my life. I cannot figure out why I do not feel important enough to myself in order to make this happen.
I am miserable in my body. I cry when I have to get dressed because NONE of my clothes fit anymore. I absolutely refuse to buy more clothes that will fit, I feel that is giving into my lack of self control when it comes to my eating. I look in the mirror in complete disgust. I am the person I always used to look at and say "how can someone EVER let themselves go like that". I guess I never knew what was going on in their heads, now I know why they do it.
Only recently did I discover that I still need a crutch. I need SOMETHING to be there for me, it used to be drugs, alcohol, and bad relationships, honestly, I thought I had worked through all that, but apparently not; now I use food as my crutch.
The past few weeks I have been more conscious about my activity levels and what I put in my mouth, unfortunately the scale has not budged and it is so frustrating, it makes me want to eat more. However, I know why I am doing this, it is the same reason I used to use the drugs and alcohol; the abuse. And I absolutely REFUSE to let it control me. I am worn out, I am so tired of having these feeling and thoughts, I am tired of fighting the battles within. I want freedom, I want peace, I want to love myself again.

One day at a time...

Each day I am starting to see the light more and more. Each day I am able to see myself more as a survivor and less of a victim.
Facing the abuse, reading stories of other survivors, and talking about the abuse has brought me some relief.  I am realizing that I do not need to carry this burden by myself anymore. I am also realizing that I am the way that I am because of the abuse; not because I am a bad person.
The reason I turned to drugs an alcohol so young was my way of coping and hiding from the painful truth of what I was going through behing closed doors. While I was using drugs and alcohol I did not feel anything, I did not have emotions, I did not care about myself - I wanted to get as far away as I could from reality. Now I want nothing more that to be a part of reality. I want to be fully surrounded by it. I want to be present in my life, I want to feel, I want to laugh, I want to cry; I want to be. As the days pass I am allowing this to happen; little by little, and it is wonderful.

I am a liar

Yes, it is true. I am a liar, I have been nearly my entire life. If you know me, I have probably lied to you. Because of my lies, I have lost so much in my life, relationships, friends, money, time, dignity, and respect for myself. I figured it was time to stop living a lie; once and for all, it is time for me to come clean...

Let me just first say I did not know any better. I did not know how to be honest, how to relate to others, how to function as a normal human being, how to be me. So, I lied my way through life. Pretending to know what the hell I was doing (and not doing a very good job at that), acting as though everything was OK, being somebody I did not want to be, because the REAL me; she was lost a long, long time ago.

I was hiding from myself, the shame and the guilt I carried around for nearly 20 years. For 20 years I used drugs, alcohol, sex and lies to hide from myself and the reality of what I had endured. 20 years of my life gone because I was afraid. Afraid of what people would think, afraid that I would be judged, afraid that no one would believe me. I became a shadow of myself.

I was about 13 when I was first molested by my step-father. It wasn't every day, but several times a week, for over 5 years. I cannot recall all the details, but some are so fresh it is like it just happened; the footsteps coming into my bedroom, him sitting down on my bed and lifting the covers, and the robe he always wore. I was always so scared, so very scared...for what? I honestly don't know.

I am tired of being scared, I am tired of hiding from myself and I am tired of pushing those who love me and care about me away. The burden is no longer mine to carry, it never was, but only recently did I realize that.

This is the beginning of my journey.