Time

Time is really all we have.
Without time we cannot love,
Without time we cannot experience,
Without time we cannot cherish,
Without time we cannot forgive,
Take the time to love genuinely without restraint,
Take the time to embrace loved ones,
Take the time to relish in the magic of life,
Take the time to let go and give your all.
When time is up and you have not a minute left,
Know you spent every second of life, making it your best.

Choices

Little by little I am moving towards my ultimate goal of being true to myself. This includes treating my body and soul with the respect I deserve, listening to cues from within to make decisions, dealing with the pain and anguish that years of sexual abuse caused me, and living my life in a way that satisfies me, rather than making me want something different than what I have.
Everyone struggles at some point in their life. For someone like me who has not only struggled, but at times could barely hold on, I have learned it is not what happened that brings us down, but how we choose to react to what has happened. We DO have choices. We can choose to react or take action. We can choose to live or we can choose to die. We can choose to be miserable or we can choose happiness. It is unfortunate that so many do not realize this. I have been guilty of this for as long as I can remember. I believed that my life was the way it was because of what I had been through in my childhood. I have lived my life reacting; in a negative way, to my childhood experiences. I do not blame myself, I was too young, it is not my fault that he made the choices he did. I cannot live a life of regret for the actions I did not take, I cannot be regretful that I did not try to stop the abuse, I cannot keep thinking about what I could done. I can only choose to take initiative now. I am choosing to live, I am choosing to take action, I am choosing to not let him and what he did to me rule my life anymore. I am choosing me.

Sometimes I wonder...

What is the true purpose of my life? To be a good mother? a friend? a wife? Should I continue my pursuit of nursing? I feel as though I have yet to figure this out and I wonder if I ever will. I feel like there are so many road blocks trying to steer me in a different direction. My therapist said that she thinks it is Karma paying me back for all the bad I have done in my life....funny how that works. And here I thought I was a decent person. Apparently even those little indiscretions come back in bit you in the ass sooner or later.
I try so hard to stay positive and upbeat despite my situation, I know that is the only way, but it is so hard to not get down. Especially not knowing how the bills will get paid or how we will buy groceries. You would think that after suffering like this so many times I would have learned my lesson, but I have not. I keep putting myself in the same situation and expect different results, crazy?!? This goes back to my lack of guidance when I was younger, and unlike my sister, I still haven't figured out how to be an adult. I just don't get why I can't connect the pieces of responsibility and get my shit together?? I do not understand why it doesn't "click" for me.

I cannot live in the past, I know that, but somehow my actions don't. I spend too much time on the what-if's...what if I didn't chose to let men walk all over me, what if instead of turning to drugs or alcohol I focused on school or a career, what if I had confronted my abuser? It is so damaging to sit and wonder what would have happened to my life instead of living my life. The past year has been especially rough. I have made some choices that had I been listening to my inner voice I would have not made, but I did and now I must deal with the consequences. I have to own up to my mistakes and correct them.
The biggest mistake I made was that I quit focusing on me. I put myself on the back burner in order to focus on everything else except myself; school, my relationship, Girl Scouts, etc. This is evident in the 30+lbs I gained and in the mild depression that has been plaguing me since I let go of myself. I stopped looking within for answers, instead I followed the actions of those around me. I started drinking more. I started eating more. I started to not care.

Everybody makes mistakes, I certainly have made my fair share. I wonder often though what makes people think everything they do is "perfect" and that they are immune to mistakes? They do not or will not forgive others for the mistakes that are made.
An old friendship of mine is what made me think of this. The last time I saw this so-called friend, she made a comment about how I "completely screwed her". I sat astonished that she felt that way. I knew that I had done her wrong and I apologized several times without any response. What did I do that was so unforgivable? I will probably never know. This situation however made me realize that second chances need to be given, forgiveness is a gift that not everyone has or will receive. I don't want to be "that person". I am willing to admit my mistake, I will live my life free of selfishness, I will forgive.

A world of hurt

I have caused much hurt to those around me. I can't seem to let go of little things, things that to me are this gigantic deal, but in reality they aren't much of anything. These last few weeks have been hell for me I have been really emotional and feeling horrible about myself and in turn my relationship has gone to hell quicker than I ever thought it could. And it is all my fault. I wish I could just be normal and not have all this baggage. I wish that I didn't have the doubts about people that I do. I wish that I could just trust others and be open about how I feel. I want to say something, but I can't. I am at a loss for words when it comes down to it.
I am SO angry at him and what he took away from me. I am the person I am today because of what he did to me. He took away my innocence, he took my trust, he took my confidence, he took it all. I am trying to do the best I can with what I have left and it is shit. I ruin all the good things in my life, I let possibilities fly by wihtout a second glance. I wonder how my life would have turned out had all of that not happenend. Certain things in my life I would not want to take back, but other things, I just have to wonder what I lost out on. Would I have been successful, prettier, smarter, less fearful, more reliable? Where would I be now? I wonder what it is like to live without the burden of knowing that someone you trusted and loved violated you in the worst possible way. What is like to live without the shame and guilt and the worry for my own child; God help me if something happens to her. What would have happened if I would have had someone in my life to report the abuse to; someone I could trust, my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle...ANYONE!
Coming back to not being able to let go...why can't I let go of the fact that all that is in the past? I think a big part of that reason is because I am the person I am today because of my childhood and I am not happy with who I turned out to be.

I can't win

I am so miserable with myself anymore that I am making those around me not want to be around me. Granted I do think that I have valid concerns and reasons for being upset, but it is the way I approach things. I just jump when I am all worked up without taking a minute to process and I end up coming off mean when I am usually just hurt. I think alot of this goes back to how I have no idea how to process things and handle situations that make me uncomfortable. I either lash out or just keep it tucked inside where I don't have to deal with it. It doesn't help that when I DO try to put my feelings out there, they are invalidated. I am told, it's not like that, which is basically saying, "No, you don't feel that way". So why would I want to talk when what I have to say isn't taken to heart. I am so tired of being me sometimes. I look at other people and wonder about their lives and their struggles, if they have any. Do they go through the ups and downs that I do? How do they deal with it? What works for them? I get so frustrated with myself that I can't just listen to my body and my heart and do what is best for me. I ignore that part of me way too much. So much that I have allowed myself to get so down again. I just want to be happy and I know that I am the only one I can rely on for that, and unfortunately I am not very reliable in that department.