Yes, it is true. I am a liar, I have been nearly my entire life. If you know me, I have probably lied to you. Because of my lies, I have lost so much in my life, relationships, friends, money, time, dignity, and respect for myself. I figured it was time to stop living a lie; once and for all, it is time for me to come clean...
Let me just first say I did not know any better. I did not know how to be honest, how to relate to others, how to function as a normal human being, how to be me. So, I lied my way through life. Pretending to know what the hell I was doing (and not doing a very good job at that), acting as though everything was OK, being somebody I did not want to be, because the REAL me; she was lost a long, long time ago.
I was hiding from myself, the shame and the guilt I carried around for nearly 20 years. For 20 years I used drugs, alcohol, sex and lies to hide from myself and the reality of what I had endured. 20 years of my life gone because I was afraid. Afraid of what people would think, afraid that I would be judged, afraid that no one would believe me. I became a shadow of myself.
I was about 13 when I was first molested by my step-father. It wasn't every day, but several times a week, for over 5 years. I cannot recall all the details, but some are so fresh it is like it just happened; the footsteps coming into my bedroom, him sitting down on my bed and lifting the covers, and the robe he always wore. I was always so scared, so very scared...for what? I honestly don't know.
I am tired of being scared, I am tired of hiding from myself and I am tired of pushing those who love me and care about me away. The burden is no longer mine to carry, it never was, but only recently did I realize that.
This is the beginning of my journey.
Let me just first say I did not know any better. I did not know how to be honest, how to relate to others, how to function as a normal human being, how to be me. So, I lied my way through life. Pretending to know what the hell I was doing (and not doing a very good job at that), acting as though everything was OK, being somebody I did not want to be, because the REAL me; she was lost a long, long time ago.
I was hiding from myself, the shame and the guilt I carried around for nearly 20 years. For 20 years I used drugs, alcohol, sex and lies to hide from myself and the reality of what I had endured. 20 years of my life gone because I was afraid. Afraid of what people would think, afraid that I would be judged, afraid that no one would believe me. I became a shadow of myself.
I was about 13 when I was first molested by my step-father. It wasn't every day, but several times a week, for over 5 years. I cannot recall all the details, but some are so fresh it is like it just happened; the footsteps coming into my bedroom, him sitting down on my bed and lifting the covers, and the robe he always wore. I was always so scared, so very scared...for what? I honestly don't know.
I am tired of being scared, I am tired of hiding from myself and I am tired of pushing those who love me and care about me away. The burden is no longer mine to carry, it never was, but only recently did I realize that.
This is the beginning of my journey.
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